Ten Years Today. Thank You for Finding Me.
Updated: 2 days ago
This is the exact day. Ten years without Robert. February 6, 2015.
I had plans for this week and some of them included my family members, and other plans centered around my need to just sit, listen to music and have doubts. I believe it is okay to have doubts about life, especially on days like today. But, I had things to do this week, so I placed my lonely moments of grief into a box of their own and placed that box deep in my heart as I went about my days.
Five large dark green plastic containers lined the back corners of our second garage for ten years, just waiting for us to have the courage to rummage through them. Those containers called us to examine them each time we entered this garage. They needed us to go through them with our current lens and see if their contents were really necessary any longer. Our other children had already disposed of their unwanted school souvenirs boxed in our home, but my baby girl’s memories were left, and it was her time to follow in her siblings’ footsteps. I was to assist her but, honestly, I was the only one begging for some help to complete this task.
And so it was on this very week when we were preparing ourselves to honor Robert’s life on the tenth anniversary of his transitioning to a better place, free from pain, that Victoria, Robert’s twin, and I ventured into the garage at 8:00 am on Sunday morning. We had planned to go enjoy relaxing massages to help ease the actual anniversary feelings on Thursday. However, this task needed to be completed first! Armed with black trash bags ready to be filled with any remaining items no longer as sentimental, we braced ourselves for the inevitable onslaught of memories of our precious Robert.
Notebooks filled with Victoria’s eloquent English essays describing elementary school trips and hospital visits; middle school science and math binders detailing her developing molecular biology interests; high school viola instructional books, concert tickets and, of course, her cherished Taylor Swift memorabilia from her sister’s tours. Layers of memories of her young life intertwined with Robert’s. So many threads attached.
We paused several times to smile at each other over the images and celebrate the lives both twins had been able to live. And it hurt sometimes during those two hours. I can’t lie. I should have given myself a pep talk about being able to do hard things before I started! You know I need a periodic time of self-imposed reflection. Talk to yourself, Juli …
“You can do hard things! Hard things are good for your growth!”
Now I know that I do not have to walk alone doing the hard things. That’s what I have learned over these ten years. Most caregivers have learned this over time. It doesn’t come easily. We know how to do hard things, and generally do not want to appear weak, needing any help. So, we don’t ask for help. However, Victoria knew I needed help with those containers because there were just too many unknown, lingering memories in that garage. I needed to move forward. And so did she.
We did it together. Just as I have done the hard things with you for several years. You friends and readers have brought me to a place today in my heart that trusts friendships and gives me the freedom to explore the next ten years, God willing. Thank you for that grace. Soon I will share with you the new things that are happening through the blog. I am excited to share it all!
The video I have linked below features the song “Found/Tonight” by Lin-Manuel Miranda and Ben Platt. It's a powerful mashup duet featuring songs from the musicals: “Hamilton” and “Dear Evan Hansen.” The song emphasizes themes of hope, resilience, and solidarity. It encourages listeners to find strength in unity and to believe that they will be supported and “found” during difficult times. I hope you will listen to it this week and be encouraged.
During my ten years without Robert, I have grown and received hope from you. When the dark came crashing in, and I doubted there would ever be good again, you offered your hand, and you carried me. I still miss him every single day. But I am not lost.
Thank you for finding me.
Listening Library: “Found/Tonight” (Lin-Manuel Miranda & Ben Platt)
Found/Tonight
We may not yet have reached our glory
But I will gladly join the fight
And when our children tell their story
They'll tell the story of tonight
They'll tell the story of tonight
Tonight
Have you ever felt like nobody was there?
Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere?
Have you ever felt like you could disappear?
Like you could fall, and no one would hear?
Well, let that lonely feeling wash away
All we see is light
'Cause maybe there's a reason to believe you'll be okay
For forever
'Cause when you don't feel strong enough to stand
You can reach, reach out your hand
And oh
Raise a glass to freedom
Something they can never take away
Oh
No matter what they tell you
Someone will come running
To take you home
Raise a glass to all of us
Tomorrow there'll be more of us
Telling the story of tonight
Out of the shadows
The morning is breaking (they'll tell the story of tonight)
And all is new
All is new
All is new
It's only a matter of
Time
Even when the dark comes crashing through
When you need a friend to carry you
When you're broken on the ground
You will be found
So let the sun come streaming in
'Cause you'll reach up and you'll rise again
If you only look around
You will be found
And when our children tell their story
You will be found
They'll tell the story of tonight
Whoa
No matter what they tell you
Tomorrow there'll be more of us
Telling the story of tonight
The story of tonight
Songwriter: Lin-Manuel Miranda
Found/Tonight lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc.
10 years?! How? I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news. 💔Why does the passing of time seem so unbelievable and yet, seem like yesterday? It measures and includes so much. I love reading your heartfelt words because of the privilege of knowing some of your story. And because of how you’ve loved me and my family through heartbreak and grief. And we’ve made it, because our God Is faithful! And there will be a day… (our dear friend, Dick), would always say. To God be the glory!
Thank you for once again sharing the precious private moments with us. Giving us hope when our dark days come. Knowing we are not alone.
This is beautiful! Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you big hugs and lots of prayers for peace and comfort today!