I wish...

“I wish you would just die!” Six words.

I wish so many things. I wish that I were a voracious reader like my parents, my sister, husband and children. But I am a visual learner, and audio books are my go-to whenever possible. I love to hear an author read his or her written words. I think that may be why deep songs speak to me as I listen. I love a writer who puts into music the lyrics of life.

So why would one of our five children shout out these words and assault my ears with these thoughts? Why did I need to hear this? I now know that this happened because out of the hurt of the heart sometimes the mouth speaks. I needed to hear it so I could recognize the pain that was being shared.

I wish I had recognized the pain without these words, but I know that was not possible. We each grieve in our own way and with our own spoken and unspoken words. One of our children started stuttering for a year and later stopped talking. Two of our children excelled beyond belief at school and escaped our medical home to stay sane. One of our children got into some trouble trying to numb the pain.

Words and actions showed all of our true feelings, eventually. I sadly must admit that these six words were never spoken from my lips but, in the very darkest days of Robert’s hundreds of uncontrollable seizures, I certainly thought them. The shame that comes with saying this to you is intense, and I fear you will never understand unless you have cared for a child with a severe terminal disability. However, one day, you may have these very intense thoughts. Maybe someday, if you are caring for a parent, a sibling or a spouse, you will be stunned by your own words.

I wish someone had told me it was okay to have such thoughts, knowing that I would never act in any way to harm our son. I wish someone had told me that sometimes when a person mourns the loss of normalcy because of a medical tragedy, strange words are spoken. I wish I had the words to voice my pain out loud with the proper words. I just didn’t.

You may experience what I have described. You may shout those six words or may hide them in your heart. Either way, I wish you grace as your words hit your lips or are hidden in the silent places. I wish you understanding of your painful path. I wish you forgiveness when you think you have crossed a line with those thoughts or words.

I wish I could hear your story spoken in my ear. I would tell you that you are not alone. I wish for you so many good things.

Listening Library: Flags (Brooke Fraser)

https://youtu.be/vuWLus6Ga_w

“The LORD is near to those who are discouraged; He saves those who have lost all hope.” (Psalm 34:18 GNT)

Flags

Come, tell me your trouble

I'm not your answer

But I'm a listening ear

Reality has left you reeling

All facts and no feeling

No faith and all fear

I don't know why a good man will fall

While a wicked one stands

And our lives blow about

Like flags on the land

Who's at fault is not important

Good intentions lie dormant

And we're all to blame

While apathy acts like an ally

My enemy and I

Are one and the same

I don't know why the innocents fall

While the monsters still stand

And our lives blow about

Like flags on the land

I don't know why our words are so proud

Yet their promise so thin

And our lives blow about

Like flags in the wind

Oh oh oh oh

You who mourn will be comforted

You who hunger will hunger no more

All the last shall be first

Of this I am sure

You who weep now will laugh again

All you lonely, be lonely no more

Yes, the last will be first

Of this I'm sure

I don't know why the innocents fall

While the monsters stand

I don't know why the little ones thirst

But I know the last shall be first

I know the last shall be first

I know the last shall be first

Written by Brooke Fraser. Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC