Doing the Hard Work

It is not fun. Working on your own growth never is. But, I have been doing just that.

This book, “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes”, by Lysa Terkeurst has impacted me so greatly that I am on my second round of the audiobook version. It contains so many faith-based words that challenge my casual use of “boundaries,” and calls me to grow deeper in my emotions and relationships.

I discovered something about myself.

When I was a caregiver for our son Robert, I didn’t really have time to consider what other people thought of me, or how to please them. I had so much on my plate in my daily care for him that it rarely crossed my mind if I was meeting a friend’s standards. My only responsibility outside of my families’ needs, was to make sure I was keeping him medically safe and alive. I didn’t have a need for anyone’s approval. I had Robert’s approval.

What seems to have changed after Robert passed away is this deep desire to find that connection and self-satisfaction with others to fill that hole inside of me. But indulge me for a moment because I find this to be a fairly common occurrence in moms (and dads) who lose a child. Something in us changes in the way we crave deep friendships. Perhaps it is because we have known a deep relationship with our child, and the need to grasp for that kind of intense connection when the child is gone is unbearable. We reluctantly meet death, and we wrestle with it in our thoughts and beliefs. Suddenly, everything about us is altered and we are NOT the same.  (I will need a professional counselor or a psychologist to weigh in on this discussion to truly legitimize my thoughts.)

How many of you moms and dads have felt what I am describing? You didn’t really need approval previously in your relationships, and now suddenly you find yourself questioning your emotions each time those relationships are fractured or missing. Or perhaps you now do not know how to navigate relationship hurts because they used to just roll off your back during your caregiving months or years.

Does that make sense? I invite you to read this book with me, and do the hard work, too. I am not asking you to join me on a journey I haven’t already dared to take. It is painful. I am sure I will feel every bit of it deeply. I hope I will also change in my relationships for the better and give grace to others as the road gets crowded with humans just trying to grow.

It’s complicated and confusing for me on this journey sometimes. During my dad’s Celebration of Life Service, his pastor shared that my very wise dad commented in a men’s bible study one day after much discussion on a deep subject matter,

“The older I get, the more comfortable I am with mystery.”

So profound. Make me more comfortable with Your mystery, oh God. I will see you on the road, my friend.

Listening Library:  Grow (Jason Upton)

https://youtu.be/apOvcjCHmaw?si=4uJfWfEkgKApyPHW

Grow

Father make us ready

For all our hands have sown

We can hear it raining

This garden's gonna grow

Spirit keep us steady

Seasons come and go

To never stop believing

This garden's gonna grow

(Chorus)

This garden's gonna grow

This garden's gonna grow

I hope that we are all ready

This garden's gonna grow

So, let our love be patient

Help us to be kind

Teach us in the waiting

Oh, Jesus be our guide

(Repeat Chorus)

Let the soil of life be watered

Let our light shine, brighter

It'll take time and time can move

So slow

(Repeat Chorus)

So mother don't you worry

We won't let it die

All that you have dreamed for

We'll watch it come alive

Mother don't you worry

We won't let it die

All that you have dreamed for

We'll watch it come alive

(Repeat Chorus 2x)

So let the soil of life be watered

Let our light shine, a little brighter

It'll take time

Oh, and time can move

So slow

But this garden's gonna grow

Songwriters: Nate Moore / Jason Upton / Allan Mckinlay / Sherry Hazlett-gallen

Grow lyrics © Key Of David Music, Bethel Worship Publishing, Mouth Of The River Music